1-10 If you think it needs more then copy the paragraph and add to the copied paragraph or take out.
Chapter 1
“Lugia we need to find Kim,” A boy of Sixteen screamed as he and his pokemon flew threw a storm. After twenty three minutes of flying they reached a small cottage in the mountains of Kanto.
“Daniel, where have you been?” A girl with red hair said opening the door.
“Misty I was locking the gym. Mom and Dad went to Sinnoh for the week and left me in charge of the gym,” Daniel said looking at his sister.
“Hey! Both of you just stop and unpack,” Another girl said. Daniel returned his pokemon and walked in.
“Hey Kim thanks for waiting for me,” He said as he walked in the other room.
“Don’t talk to me like that out of the three of us I am the oldest!” Kim said looking at her brother and sister.
“By two minutes!” Daniel exclaimed.
“Well actually you are older than me by three minutes Daniel and Kim you’re older than me by five minutes,” Misty said placing her Pokeballs on the mantle. After they cleaned the cabin they released their pokemon well the ones that could fit that is.
“Let’s just go to sleep and then we’ll discus what we are doing,” Kim said walking into her room.
“What is there to discus?” Misty called out as Daniel rolled his eyes and closed his door. “Fine. Good Night,” She called out angrily storming into her room. Around two A.M. Misty woke with a fright. “Who’s there!” She exclaimed sitting up quickly. There was a soft knock on the door. Misty turned the living room light on and opened the door.
“Hey Misty,” A boy said kissing her.
“Mark what are you doing here?” She asked with a slight blush.
“Well I saw your brother leave the gym last night and so I followed him. Nice cottage,” He said walking in the house.
“Babe, you’re not supposed to be here. If they find out they’ll….” Misty started. Mark put his finger over her lips.
“Shshsh, they won’t even know I’m here,” He said as they walked into her room. The next morning Kim and Daniel got up and went in the Kitchen.
“Morning sis,” Daniel said as they kissed each other on the cheek.
“Morning. What do you want for breakfast?” Kim asked.
“Actually I’m going on a walk then I’ll make me breakfast,” He said grabbing his coat.
“Can I come?” She asked.
“Sure,” He smiled as they ran out the door. After they left Misty woke up and saw her boyfriends arms wrapped tightly around her.
“Good morning,” She said kissing him.
“Good Morning,” He replied climbing out of bed.
“Where are you going?” She asked as she got out as well.
“You want breakfast don’t you?” He asked as they walked in the kitchen. “What do you want?” He asked.
“I’ll take eggs. With a beagle and toast,” She replied reaching for a glass. Mark grabbed Misty by the waist and hugged her. She kissed him and poured her self some orange Juice. After a few minutes they sat down and ate together when Daniel and Kim came back.
“Misty have you been cooking it smells good,” Kim called.
“Wow that’s a miracle and you cleaned up!” Daniel exclaimed looking around the kitchen. Kim walked in the dining room and saw Misty in her silk satin night gown and her boyfriend in his boxers. “Mark what are you doing here?” Kim asked softly pretty pissed.
“Can’t I hang out with my girl?” He asked looking at Kim.
“Yes but not here. If Daniel sees you he will kill both of you. It’s just supposed to be the three of us,” Kim whispered.
“Oh God babe, Kim is right we have got to sneak you out,” Misty said walking over to Mark.
“I don’t care I love you I’m staying, Plus your brother is my best friend.” Mark said looking at Misty.
“You do?” Misty asked stopping dead in her tracks.
“Yeah I do,” Mark said as Misty started to kiss him.
“Mark, Daniel doesn’t know you are dating his sister new ballpark,” Kim said.
“True we have got to…..” Misty froze as she saw her brother come around the corner.
“Misty! I leave for an Hour with Kim and you sneak Mark over,” Daniel said angrily.
“Actually he slept over,” Misty said.
“WHAT!” Kim and Daniel shouted. Kim backed up toward her brother.
“May I?” He asked looking at Kim.
“Go right ahead I’m not stopping you,” Kim said with a slight laugh. Daniel ran and jumped over the table tackling Mark. Daniel sat on Mark’s chest rapidly punching him in the face.
“Daniel, get off of him!” Misty screamed trying to pull her brother off of him. “Kim take control you’re the oldest,” Misty panicked.
“I’m on Daniel’s side,” Kim smirked. Mark lifted his legs and grabbed Daniel by the head and flipped him over. Mark stood up and grabbed Daniel by the hair. He kicked the chair over and smashed Daniel’s face into the glass plate on the table. The plate exploded from contact with his face. Daniel fell to the floor holding his face as blood seeped threw the fingers.
“Mark!” Misty ran over pulling her boyfriend away from her brother. Kim ran over to her brother and inspected his face.
“What the heck is wrong with you?” Kim shouted. Mark started walking t
{ 1 comment… read it below or add one }
Try seperating the paragraphs next time, makes it far easier to read. I also got lost with who the characters were and there’s no physical description of any of them (and please don’t make the mistake of throwing every single detail of their appearance into one paragraph). A little more description overall might help as well. There also doesn’t seem to be much going on, like you’re just speeding up time to get things over with, but it’s only the first part so I don’t have to comment on that. You also have lots of minor grammatical errors, such as lack of commas, as well as spelling mistakes (such as threw instead of through and beagal instead of bagel, unless they’re eating the breed of dog).
Also, I tend to hate characters who have a legendary pokemon but that’s just a preference of mine and therefore has nothing to do with the story.